And I appreciate that, but it's really not necessary. He's a different guy from the one I knew back home, so it wouldn't be right to take stuff out on him.
i get it though, seriously. i'm learning that people aren't the same as the ones i remember from home too
if you need to talk to someone about any of this, i'm all ears literally my ears are about as long as my face is wide, i've got more ear per square ilm than most people
[Well, that's reassuring. This was his business, after all. And he really didn't want things taken out on this Lloyd. There's enough innocent people having things being taken out on them]
I don't know.
[..]
I warned the guy here that things went badly between me and the Lloyd back home. That there really wasn't anything of value with learning about our time together.
But I guess all Lloyds are stubborn and refuse to listen to reason, cause he's insisting on getting to know me anyway.
[He can't help laughing at that stubbornness, though. Amal would be the same way, 100%. This whole conversation is making him think about Zenos and what he'd do if he met a Zenos who had been a relatively better-adjusted individual instead of an emotionless killing machine.]
you dangled a mystery in front of him and told him it was off limits, of course he's going to ignore your advice
it's hard for me to admit it, but the people we recognize here aren't completely the same as the ones we knew. with that in mind, i don't think you have to do something like forgive lloyd for what he did, or feel like you're okay with how it all went down.
but.......
maybe being around him will help those old wounds heal. it won't ever undo what happened, but a second chance could lead to something better.
i think he genuinely wants to be friends with you. that's what it sounds like to me, anyway
still, don't take that step unless you feel ready for it
I guess when you put it that way, yeah that makes sense - but what else was I supposed to do? Tell a guy who barely knows what's going on that his other self killed one of his traveling companions? Even I'm not that cold.
[A second chance huh. There's a pause as he considers before-]
No, absolutely not.
What happened between that Lloyd and me will stay between that Lloyd and me. I'm not going to treat this guy like he's some second chance or a chance for catharsis or whatever anymore than I'm going to treat him as someone I gotta get revenge on.
This guy is here....I just taking it one step at a time. No grand schemes, or dreams.
i'm not saying you had a choice! just explaining why he's drawn to it. if someone tells me to mind my business i take that personally, and i bet he does too
[Amal has been chasing some kind of self-forgiveness for years—and he strongly believes in redemption and personal change if someone wants to change. Second chances. Though he has a feeling that Zelos doesn't think he deserves it...]
no grand schemes or dreams huh
i can respect that. and i'm sure it'll work for you!
you have a special brand of honesty that's all your own, zelos. i really admire that about you
Yeah, good point. Both of you do seem incapable of minding your own business.
[He says, like he does any better with risking temptations of poking things. ]
A special brand of honesty? I guess you could call it that. I just know what it's like to be constantly compared to someone. There was a certain ideal image for Chosens to live up to, and let's just say I never came close to meeting that ideal.
obviously i don't know what it's like to live in the shadow of the Chosen or anything, but everyone always expected me to be some grand hero. perfect, strong, and only ever passionate about doing exactly what people told me to do.
but the difference between us is
you found out who you were, and you're true to that. you're not wishy washy at all. maybe it wasn't always that way, but you're so much better off because of it
but i've always had a hard time seeing myself clearly. i got lost in who they wanted me to be so i just pretended i was that person until i couldn't do it anymore
[He raises an eyebrow at the praise. While it's flattering....Zelos sure takes some issue with it]
Yeaaah....I'm gonna need you to get me off that pedestal there. Who I am is a guy who managed to get himself killed twice. And while I'm not planning anything, I can't lie and say my mind doesn't still wander into wondering if third time would be the charm from time to time.
So I'm not saying it'd be best if I kept trying to be that ideal Chosen, but...well, saying I'm "better off" doesn't sit right either.
[Besides seriously he knows he's deeply fucked up. He can see that, even if he struggles with knowing how to fix it]
Also I'm calling bullshit on you. You're so thoroughly and painfully earnestly Amal. Maybe your flirting is a bit on the fake side, but you couldn't actually pretend to be anyone but yourself even if you had a gun to your head.
hey... you know that's not your fault, right? so there's a part of you that thinks it would be better just to end it all. that doesn't make you a bad person. it's actually more common than you think. every day that you get up anyway and live your life-- that's a victory, no matter how small
still... sorry for making you uncomfortable
[He's never had anyone call him out for putting them on a pedestal before. It feels a little like when he's talking to G'raha... maybe it is an Amal Problem.]
i can't tell if that's a compliment or if i should be concerned because i'm apparently worse at subterfuge than i thought
[Ah, humor, his oldest respite.]
... even if i can't see who i am, as long as you know, then that's good enough for me
[A pause. Does he think it's his fault that he has those thoughts? Honestly, he isn't sure. He's had them for years now. Did they start because of it was a natural conclusion to his situation, or because it was something in his head that was out of his control? He has no idea]
...My fault or not, I'm just saying, I'm hardly someone that's got it all figured out when it comes to figuring out how I want to live. Not when I'm still grappling with the if.
[Maybe he'll get there one day, maybe he won't. He just doesn't want people thinking he's someone to look up to.]
you seem like you have it together more than i do, but i'm not sure that's a high bar....... that said i wouldn't place too much emphasis on how you want to live. sometimes just existing is good enough
is it the red hair? the extremely unique tattoos? or the fact i can't keep my mouth shut?
That's because I grew up with nobles, dear. In those circles if you don't come off as completely together, you get ripped apart. So you learn how to fake it until you make it.
i wouldn't call it a talent exactly, but it's fun!! as long as you don't mind getting a little dirty~
it's one of my favorite parts of home...
people make tiny clay pots and decorate them, then turn them into lamps. the whole city looks like it's ablaze with stars when the sun goes down. when we set them in the water, you can see the light bouncing off the purple and red cliffs as the lamps float on by.
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And I appreciate that, but it's really not necessary. He's a different guy from the one I knew back home, so it wouldn't be right to take stuff out on him.
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i get it though, seriously. i'm learning that people aren't the same as the ones i remember from home too
if you need to talk to someone about any of this, i'm all ears
literally
my ears are about as long as my face is wide, i've got more ear per square ilm than most people
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Honestly I wouldn't even know where to begin with talking about it. I kinda spent the past year trying not to think about Lloyd.
The Lloyd back in my world, I mean. Well, kinda my world.
It's complicated, if you havent noticed.
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did... he have anything to do with the way you went out?
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But he does respond]
Damn, Amal, you're really out to take deadly aim today.
[Always with a joke, this one]
Yeah, he does. But to make myself clear, I challenged him.
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sorry, i just had a feeling...
i'm not going to insert myself where i don't belong or make trouble for you, so don't worry about that.
what do you plan on doing if he remembers? though it's more of a when, not if, judging by how things with my friends have gone.
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I don't know.
[..]
I warned the guy here that things went badly between me and the Lloyd back home. That there really wasn't anything of value with learning about our time together.
But I guess all Lloyds are stubborn and refuse to listen to reason, cause he's insisting on getting to know me anyway.
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[He can't help laughing at that stubbornness, though. Amal would be the same way, 100%. This whole conversation is making him think about Zenos and what he'd do if he met a Zenos who had been a relatively better-adjusted individual instead of an emotionless killing machine.]
you dangled a mystery in front of him and told him it was off limits, of course he's going to ignore your advice
it's hard for me to admit it, but the people we recognize here aren't completely the same as the ones we knew. with that in mind, i don't think you have to do something like forgive lloyd for what he did, or feel like you're okay with how it all went down.
but.......
maybe being around him will help those old wounds heal. it won't ever undo what happened, but a second chance could lead to something better.
i think he genuinely wants to be friends with you. that's what it sounds like to me, anyway
still, don't take that step unless you feel ready for it
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[A second chance huh. There's a pause as he considers before-]
No, absolutely not.
What happened between that Lloyd and me will stay between that Lloyd and me. I'm not going to treat this guy like he's some second chance or a chance for catharsis or whatever anymore than I'm going to treat him as someone I gotta get revenge on.
This guy is here....I just taking it one step at a time. No grand schemes, or dreams.
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[Amal has been chasing some kind of self-forgiveness for years—and he strongly believes in redemption and personal change if someone wants to change. Second chances. Though he has a feeling that Zelos doesn't think he deserves it...]
no grand schemes or dreams huh
i can respect that. and i'm sure it'll work for you!
you have a special brand of honesty that's all your own, zelos. i really admire that about you
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[He says, like he does any better with risking temptations of poking things. ]
A special brand of honesty? I guess you could call it that.
I just know what it's like to be constantly compared to someone.
There was a certain ideal image for Chosens to live up to, and let's just say I never came close to meeting that ideal.
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[DON'T SOUND SO PROUD AMAL]
obviously i don't know what it's like to live in the shadow of the Chosen or anything, but everyone always expected me to be some grand hero. perfect, strong, and only ever passionate about doing exactly what people told me to do.
but the difference between us is
you found out who you were, and you're true to that. you're not wishy washy at all. maybe it wasn't always that way, but you're so much better off because of it
but i've always had a hard time seeing myself clearly. i got lost in who they wanted me to be so i just pretended i was that person until i couldn't do it anymore
cw: suicide mention
Yeaaah....I'm gonna need you to get me off that pedestal there. Who I am is a guy who managed to get himself killed twice. And while I'm not planning anything, I can't lie and say my mind doesn't still wander into wondering if third time would be the charm from time to time.
So I'm not saying it'd be best if I kept trying to be that ideal Chosen, but...well, saying I'm "better off" doesn't sit right either.
[Besides seriously he knows he's deeply fucked up. He can see that, even if he struggles with knowing how to fix it]
Also I'm calling bullshit on you. You're so thoroughly and painfully earnestly Amal. Maybe your flirting is a bit on the fake side, but you couldn't actually pretend to be anyone but yourself even if you had a gun to your head.
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still... sorry for making you uncomfortable
[He's never had anyone call him out for putting them on a pedestal before. It feels a little like when he's talking to G'raha... maybe it is an Amal Problem.]
i can't tell if that's a compliment or if i should be concerned because i'm apparently worse at subterfuge than i thought
[Ah, humor, his oldest respite.]
... even if i can't see who i am, as long as you know, then that's good enough for me
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...My fault or not, I'm just saying, I'm hardly someone that's got it all figured out when it comes to figuring out how I want to live. Not when I'm still grappling with the if.
[Maybe he'll get there one day, maybe he won't. He just doesn't want people thinking he's someone to look up to.]
Amal I'm going to break it to you right now:
You really truly suck at subterfuge.
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is it the red hair? the extremely unique tattoos? or the fact i can't keep my mouth shut?
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It's all of it Amal. But mostly your personality.
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last time i heard that i was getting rejected for a date
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[Many, many, many times]
Well if it makes you feel better, I don't think your personality's a turn-off.
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haha i appreciate that
if the adventurer thing ever falls through i'll need a new line of work. since spy is out, then i suppose i'll have to take up something else
pottery maybe
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I've never done it. Is it hard?
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it's one of my favorite parts of home...
people make tiny clay pots and decorate them, then turn them into lamps. the whole city looks like it's ablaze with stars when the sun goes down. when we set them in the water, you can see the light bouncing off the purple and red cliffs as the lamps float on by.